The following is being shared in an effort to help you unlock the possibilities and potential of change in your own life in whatever ways you desire. No matter who you are, no matter where you are at in your life, no matter what has happened in your past, you can reinvent yourself.
First Came Awareness, Then Came Choice, Then Came Abundance in All Things…
It’s always after people get to know me and hear my stories that they realize that I haven’t always been this version of “me” that they now see and know. Most people tell me that they can’t imagine me any other way, and they just assumed that I have always been this way – healthy, happy, optimistic, in a very healthy and happy relationship with a man that is the lid to my pot, living out my dreams every day, fulfilled, have my values mapped out and aligned with my actions and choices in life, my head on straight, successful, passionate, etc.
Let me take a moment to introduce you to the who that I used to be…
4 years ago…
I rolled out of bed to go to work. I took little to no pride to put myself together. My nails were never painted, and in the rare occasion that they were they would often go weeks of being chipped and clearly telling the story that I hadn’t even realized was my own, which was “whatever, I totally don’t even care about myself…”
My master bedroom was a huge room that I was waiting to put a pool table in so that when others came over we could have a fun experience together shooting pool. In the interim I was using that room, the largest and most luxurious room in my condo, as a storage space for all of my junk that I hadn’t gone through and sorted out yet. Where I actually set up my bedroom was my second room which was much smaller than the master. I didn’t realize at that time just how much this all had to do with how I valued myself (or lack thereof). I also didn’t realize at the time just how much I prioritized others wants, desires, and needs above my own, which was made clear by wanting to use the master suite to put a pool table for others to enjoy when they came over.
The game plan from day one of purchasing the condo was to renovate my kitchen and I even had the money to do so, but little did I know that it would be years until I finally embarked on the renovation journey. I went years with a kitchen that was god awful, and I absolutely couldn’t stand every single time I walked into it. (It’s important to note that this was also the first room you saw when you walked into the place, so you can imagine my feelings every single time I approached my door and walked in.)
I didn’t enjoy my house in the least. There were big dreams to be had for the place and zero action taken to make those dreams to fruition. (This was fitting as it was the metaphor for my life.)
I drank every single weekend, (maybe even daily). I drank to celebrate, I drank to forget, I drank to release stress, I drank to cope with feelings, I drank to let loose and have fun, I drank to socialize, I drank to network, I drank to entertain clients, I drank to confront others with my feelings, I drank to numb my feelings, etc. I spent the nights having fun (from what I could remember anyways) and then the next day eating junk food to absorb what was still in my system and I would waste the day away on a couch sleeping and watching TV.
I was always tired, stressed out so far beyond even caring any longer, literally rolled out of bed in just enough time to grab clothes that semi matched and then half ass do my hair and makeup and head wherever it was I happened to be going that day.
I was always too busy to hang out with or take calls from my family, and my life was utterly and relentlessly consumed by work. I remember once being in the office until 12AM on a Friday night. I was so consumed by my perfectionist tendencies and completing the commitments on my plate (that I should have said no to but didn’t know how to) and that I didn’t have enough hours in the day for. I scarified sleep, sanity, health, happiness, relationships, etc.
The only guys on my dating radar were liars, cheaters, takers, selfish, and unbeknownst to me more often than not they were addicts of some shape or form. (This all makes sense based on the principle that you attract what you yourself think that you are actually worth. If you don’t love yourself and don’t take care of yourself, why would you expect anything else from a partner?) In the rare occasion that a good man did come across my path, I was too unhealthy to even be attracted to him, and found some way to sabotage the realitionship.
It’s important to note that because I was such a zombie at this point in my life, I was completely and totally unaware of the vicious cycles of shit that surrounded me.
I was 15-20 pounds overweight, had dull skin, ate like crap, smoked like a chimney, and drank like a sailor.
When I was bored I wasted my time watching whatever junk I could find on TV.
I traveled a ton for work, more than most coworkers, looking back a piece of that was because hotels were nicer than my place. I hadn’t turned my home into my serenity so I went out on the road looking for it anywhere but my own place.
I didn’t have a good relationship with some of the family members that I most desired to have one with.
I was forever in a state of being reactive, which often led to me personalizing every single little thing and left me at war against the world constantly!!
I didn’t even know what boundaries were, yet alone how to effectively use them to protect myself against others who prayed on the kindness of a person who never said no (no matter how much they wanted to deep inside) and the naivetés of a person who would believe pretty much anything you told them (mainly because I was such an honest person and couldn’t wrap my head around any benefits of lying so it was hard for me to understand and or believe that it could be so rampant for some). The word “no” wasn’t a part of my vocabulary which meant I often took on more than I could do in the 24 hours a day that we each have, and I was also quite foolish, naive, and looking back now and laughing I was quite stupid when it came to some of the things I believed which constantly left me in a state of compromise in regards to my health, happiness, sanity, and even at times my physical safety.
I was a giver. Give give give and give even if I had no more give left inside of me. Most relationships ended because of the resentment I would feel after dating these selfish and toxic men that always took but never gave back.
Red was my favorite color, and I surrounded myself with it at home. (I later learned that one of the associations with the color red is the feeling of anger, which was so representative of the state of mind I was in and how much time I spent in the familiarity and comfort of angers arms.)
I was sick almost every single week. My immune system was practically non-existent. My nails were beyond brittle. My hair was falling out in massive clumps in the shower (which at the time I thought was normal) and my hair wouldn’t grow past a certain length no matter what I tried.
Then I broke. It got to be too much. I became of aware of what I had become, what was going on in my world that I had been too blind and numb to see. Through the new found awareness came choice. I realized I could choose to continue on my path, or choose to make a change.
I chose change.
So I took time off and went on a customized solo spiritual journey in Sedona Arizona. It was there that I was reborn and given new life. It sparked what has now become an ongoing 4+ year journey of self-development, awareness, self-exploration, growth, therapy, life coaching, workshops, education, choices, etc. all in the pursuits of sustainable peace, happiness, joy, fulfillment, and love. Now I look back at that girl I was and I am thankful for her, because without her I would never have been able to find the me that I am today, to truly appreciate and enjoy it, and to have a reference point of what could be if I had ever gotten off, or do ever at any point get off my path.
I reinvented my environment at home and created a world of peace and serenity to surround my every nook and corner. It is now my haven. I abandoned the idea of creating a haven for others in my own home, and moved my bedroom into the large master suite. I now retreat there and am filled with love, warmth, joy, peace, gratitude and serenity every single night before I count my blessings and go to bed. My kitchen is completely remodeled and has spawned the desire to be healthier and get creative with cooking! My second bedroom has been turned into one big walk in closet that I now use to take time and pride every morning to get ready to face the day looking fierce, fit, and fabulous!
My nails are always painted, and in the rare occasion that they are not, or are chipped, I use it as a dummy signal that I am straying from my path of self-love and self-care which is at the center of my health, sanity, happiness, success, and peace.
I lost 20 pounds, am down 2 sizes, quit smoking, quit drinking, explored my values and what is really important to me, spend more time with my loved ones, reprioritized my life and how I spend my time and expend my energy, I have decreased my stress levels significantly, and have learned to tune into my dreams and turn them into my reality.
I have found love with a very emotionally healthy and loving man who is the best partner and team mate I could have ever even imagined or dreamed of. He is everything that I never even knew I wanted and needed in a relationship.
First I found the awareness. I started with focusing on what I can control, which is me. I then had a choice to make. I chose change.
No matter who you are, no matter where you are at in your life, no matter what has happened in your past, you can reinvent yourself starting now.
What do you choose?