Awareness Came, and Frank the Tank’s Jersey Was Retired….
I get a lot of weird looks when it comes up in conversation that I do not drink. The first thought that most people mention comes to their mind is how AA is going. Haha. They often feel very sorry for me because of all of the fun that they think I am missing out on. (Which couldn’t be farther from my own truth and experience.)
One of the reasons I quit was that I started to realize that I was an entirely different person when drinking. If I was in a relationship I would dump out all of my feeling and issues with that person in a way that replicated a bomb exploding, and then I’d wake up the next day and have to figure out some way to repair the damage that was done. It would be like my alter ego “Frank the Tank” came out to play, wreaked havoc all night long, having an absolute blast with no cares in the world, gave everyone a piece of his mind, and then left me to clean it all up then next day. This happened over and over and over again until after the umpteenth millionth time I decided to retire his jersey and sit his ass on the sidelines for a permanent time out.
I didn’t even realize the extent of how much I used drinking as a coping outlet and or avoidance resource until I went on a 1 year no drinking commitment. HOLY CRAP, what a life changing eye opener.
For me, without removing the crutch, the avoidance barrier, and the ineffective coping tool, I realized that I would never find and maintain a healthy loving and long term relationship, I would never work through the issues laying underneath the surface, and I would continue to be a version of me that I no longer wanted to be. I wanted to find my most authentic self and actually deal with things instead of using drinking as a crutch, especially in social and or dating situations. It was a very eye opening experience for me, and now I am the most open and authentic version of myself that I have ever been!
A friend recently shared a John Lennon quote with me that sums up how drinking was for me… “The basic thing nobody asks is why do people take drugs of any sort?’… ‘Why do we have these accessories to normal living to live. I mean, is there something wrong with society that’s making us so pressurized, that we cannot live without guarding ourselves against it?” And the answer to that for me was a big huge HELL YES! It is hard as hell to actually face demons, and deal with your own shit. And alcohol for me, was my way of avoiding having to deal. Which made it impossible to be authentic and to be my most optimal version of me because I was so busy avoiding myself and the life around me.
This has been the week from hell… If I still drank it would definitely be one of those weeks where I just raged out! But nooooo, with my decision to quit drinking, has come the responsibility to actually face the shitstorms that come my way and figure out how to navigate through it. Sometimes I curse this strength and awareness I have within – hahaha – Just kidding! It truly is the best gift ever as it removes avoidance supplements and techniques from my life, removes excuses from my conversations, and removes placing blame on others for my own feelings, mistakes, etc. That makes life especially difficult to navigate when others have not removed said things from their own life, and especially when others excuses are rampant, and blaming is directed towards you. Sigh. I still stand by my own decision to remove something that no longer served me on my own journey, and for me it was hands down one of the best decisions I have ever made.
To be clear, this is NOT a blog post about why drinking is bad. It impacts everyone very differently. For some people drinking doesn’t change them the way it changed me. For some people it isn’t a crutch in social situations and or relationships like I uncovered it was for me. For some people it doesn’t wreak havoc that they have to figure out how to clean up the next day. For some people it isn’t an avoidance supplement that they use to not have to deal with feelings like sadness, pain, hurt, suffering, etc. etc. etc. The real intention of this post is to explore what in your own life are your crutches? Or the things that you are using as a way to avoid feelings?
What in your own life is no longer serving you? What is holding you back from really growing as a person and becoming the you that you want to be?
Sending you vibes of peace, serenity, humility, laughter, strength, awareness, and anything else you need along your own journey to your desired self!